help me

I need help.

I am rotting inside. 

Port gua busking kat Melaka

On weekdays, selepas Isya' gua pegi busking kat Melaka. Kalau tengok kat gambar ni, gua biasa lepak kat pokok ketiga dari yang bertanda P tu.
Gua dah try melalak kat Red Square, kat Jonker Walk, kat depan tepi kincir air, dan gua dapati, yang paling seswai untuk style gua yang tak pakai amp atau microphone ni adalah kat sini. Partly sebab tandas dekat sebab meraung kuatkuat ni kadang kadang buatkan gua rasa nak terkencing, dan partly sebab bila malam area ni yang paling ramai orang lalu lalang.
Kebanyakan pakgad dan pekerja kedai kedai kat area ni dah kenal gua dan Alhamdulillah mereka OK dan selalu gak menghulur.
Cerita pasal menghulur, kat Melaka gua dapati yang ramai bagi duit adalah kaum Cina. Melayu biasanya samada sekadar bagi Like (thumb up) atau kasi singgit tapi request lagu macam-macam. Maaflah kalau tersinggung tapi ini adalah pengajaran juga pada gua yang Melayu ni agar jadi pemurah pada golongan jalanan. Gua tengok masingmasing beli ituini, bawak paperbag mekdi bayar GST tapi nak menghulur singgit pun takde. Takpelah. Kat BTS pun trend yang sama. Gua dah try nyanyi 100% lagu Melayu pun, yang menghulur tetap kaum cina. Mungkin juga orang Melayu fikir yang orang macam gua takyah dibantu atau mereka sendiri takde duit lebih.
Biasanya bila gua busking akan ada orang melepak di kiri kanan pavement ni layan lagu atau tunggu orang. Ada juga masanya mereka kerumun gua dekat dekat macam gua jual ubat.
Apapun, Alhamdulillah... Ada gak port..

This stupid me.

It has been 7 years since I was lost. 7 years since I gave in to the voices inside my head. Today, when things seem to be moving so well from outside, I just want to record this moment;

That nothing really changed.

I am still at the same junction where I am left alone to face my demons. 

I am still struggling to silence these voices that keep mocking me, ridiculing me for being used, ignored and alone. 

I am still, so much depressed.

Every thing they said were true. 

That people around me are just using me for their own benefits, without even thinking of my feelings, of my condition, or of me. If they do this to me like this today when I have given them all the best things in life, just imagine what I went through, how they treated me when I had nothing, 7 years ago. I hate admitting that the voices were right, all along.

Now, I am pretending to be OK. I am acting like everything is wonderful. 

While inside, I am getting emptier each day. Getting weaker by the minutes. And more depressed by the seconds. 

I will keep holding on. 

And keep pretending.

Till my time comes to exit this stupid life. This stupid reality.

This stupid me.