Interview with an asshole (Lets get wild)

continued from here

It got people baffled, but why do you claim yourself as a schizophrenic?
Schizophrenic?
As far as your medical records are concerned, you have never been diagnosed as a mental patient or such.

How the hell you know all these stuff? Shit! I know me. You, on the other hand know nothing about me. Who say you have to go to a psychiatrist to know that you are a schizoid? If they know you are one, they'd probably quarantine you and do all kinds of tests on you. All those silly picture cards and drawings. What the fuck? If people knew Rashidi was a shizoid, they'd locked him down since day one. If people knew John Wayne Gacy, Charles Manson, Nelson Shelton and all those psychotic killers were schizoid all along, they would lock them down. I don't want to be locked down, baby. I want to shag and have a double dose of roti paun and bubur kacang.


Ok. So how's it like being a schizophrenic?
It is not like being a star or something you know. Everybody has at least one chance of being a schizophrenic. It's just that most of the time we are a being made of common sense and moral values and that limits the schizoids in our minds from materializing. Me, on the other hand, have been succumbed into that dark abyss of confusions and now I'm mystified by the new world out there and all this time, I was too occupied from seeing it all.

So, you LIKE the way you are, now?
 Yes sir and luckily I don't have that tendency to kill myself or others yet, eventhough I do think about it from time to time.

Aren't you afraid of yourself?
For what? As long as I stay happy, I think I'm going to be just fine.

But a tiny push on your sense would unleash that killing side of yours...
That's why I decided to be a bastard. You see, if you think too much about positivity or righteousness, you are already bounded by your own mind. You would crack if your scream ofr positivity be ignored. But if you are a silly bastard like me, you wouldn't care about all those silly stuff. Those are craps!

I don't understand.
For example; if you claim yourself as a straightedger, you would contain yourself from smoking, drinking or practicing free sex. Your friends on the contrary, are not SXE. So you see your friends smoke, drink and worst of all, having sex in your house. Sooner or later you'll cracked and probably kill your friends or stuff like that. Or, you'll be just like your friends. I got nothing against SXE, it's just an example. But if you are a bastard and you claimed from the start that you do shits, and when people hear bad stories about you, they'd probably say; "Oh, heck, he's a bastard anyway", and that's it. No pressure. No innner voices. Happy. You dig?

I think I do. So are you encouraging people to be an ass like you?
I never said that. Being a bastard is not cool or fun or anything but I personally think taht it helps to get those nosy motherfuckers out of your life. Being alone is one thing. Being left alone is another.

Are you lonely?
Are you kidding me? I'm having the full blast of my life right now. I got a good job. I got chicks all around me. I got friends.

Is it true that you have to have friends to have fun?
Well, it depends on what kinda fun you are talking about. I personally think that we don't have to have friends all around us to have fun. I don't need no-freaking-body to be happy. But I do need a partner when it comes to sex. Hahaha

Now you do sound so lonely.
No I am not!
Yes you are!
No I'm not!
YES you ARE!
NO I am NOT!
Lonely-lonely-lonely!
I'ma kick your ass, man!
OK-OK lets stop for a while...


What's your motto?
I hate myself and I want to shag.
Oh, boy. Here we go again..
I want to smoke, make jokes and kick slowpokes.
What do you think about this world?
I think it's about time we stop and think about the world. We are not going anywhere if we keep hating each other and having pointless arguments. Leaders are smiling while somebody out there is killing to make a living. Lets start making some sense and show some love.


What do you think about life?
Life is like the radio programs. Sometimes the songs are good. Most of the times it's not. All of it are just reruns and if you don't like the programs, go watch the TV and kill yourself.

What the heck are you talking about, man?
Life is like spanking a virgin in a public place like a bus station pr something. You have to spank her JUST RIGHT to get her attention or you'll end up getting spanked.

Stop this shit. I think I'm going crazy like this.
Life is like picking your nose.
You are a moron!
Don't pick it too hard, you'll bleed.
You are sick!
Hahaha.
Fuck you!
You are always welcomed my friend...

The End (pheww!)

Read from start

Interview with an asshole (serious questions)

continued from here



Some serious questions. What do you think about the current political status in this country?
That question is so boring. Can I pass?

OK. Strike one. What about the green-earth thingy? Or bioregionalism? What do you have to say about that?

I don't have to say anything.
Come on.

You see, this world is filled with people with sick agendas and most of these agendas are closely related to capitalism. On one hand you have these packs of yuppies polluting the world with their propylene snack wraps and party plastic mugs, and on the other hand, there are these band of hard-liners putting up big banners with earth-concerned lines or big air baloon made into a form of an elephant. Now this might sounds strange but I wonder sometimes, where the hell do those green peace suckers got their funding?

Maybe they sell shirts and stuff.
If they do that, then they had gotta sell alotta shirts to sponsor or buy those tugboats and to fund all those assemblies all over the world! Just think about that! Maybe all those green peace movements is just a big business masterplan.

What do you mean?
Yelahh..Just think about all those shirts made in the name of earth. in the name of taking good care of earth. Mothers would buy it for their children. Where did they make those shirts? They can't possibly all hand made, so where else? Factories. And where else in this world can you get good quality fabrics that come in low prices? Asia! The region where cheap child labour still exists. And we just follow the whole shit because we thought we were on the good side. And that's just about the t-shirt. What about those big banners? What about the human-chain ritual they do everytime in demos? Do you know sometimes those human chains were made from kids? This is degenarating and outreageous! Greenpeace trade humanity with earth. Shit!

Whoaa! I never knew that. How do you know all this stuff?
I just made it up. Hehehe.
But it makes perfect sense.
I know.

What about the underground movement?
What ABOUT it?
Don't you have anything to say?
Well, the scene is pretty boring. The same old stuffs. Gigs, pointless discussions about stupid things, misplaced concerns, zines. If there's one thing that evolves in the scene, then's it's gotta be the fashion. From baggy pants and chain wallets to dreadlocks to sexy. From nose pierce and Nike shoes to tight disco shirts and tattoos. All for the sake of being cool. Underground Malaysia is only visual. Kids are not wearing what they believe or want to express anymore. They are impressing their friends and wanna try what they saw in the net or lifetsyle magazine they found in Kinokuniya. Underground is like a fashion war. People dress to kill. But I don't mind much, though. People need to look good. It's just that they look so predictable.

What about the music? Is it evolving or is it at the same 'ol level?
Music in underground Malaysia? That's the silliest question I heard tonite. Even the mainstream is struggling, so what do you expect from a bunch of post SPM-ers? Still the same lame 3 chords sounds and meaningless lyrics. Now I know how hard it is to make your own unique music but that's your problem. Music SUPPOSED to be your passion, that's why you're in an underground band. You can't blame people if they call your songs stupid. You have to do something because your message is not getting through. And what's the point of shouting at a blank space? Expression is about being heard, not only being able to let it out. who's gonna listen, let alone understand if your songs are only 'syok sendiri'?

Why do you think this happen?
It's easy man. It's in the attitude itself. People put out a band not because they have something to say, to fight or to prove. Most of them just in it to be elligible to walk around carrying the guitar case with high-tech gadgets. Or to get the chicks. Then after a few gigs, most of the bands don't practice no more. Or after the third demo, we never ever hear about their story. What's up with the bands? Some of them start to be egoistic. Like their band is the greatest product out of underground. Fuck that attitude. Hahaha. I might not know much but shittt, I'm glad I do'nt know THAT much.

What about the zines? Are they any better?
Can I pass that question too? Are you hungry?
No!
well, I DO and I could use a good set of roti paun and hot bubur kacang hijau. Along with teh tarik Tongkat Ali.

No you're not hungry!
Yes I am!
No you are not!
Yes I do!
Sheeshh. You are killing me. I don't think you are taking this thing seriously.
I don't like being serious. It takes out the fun in everything.
Do you have to think about having FUN all the time?
Well, I do think about sex and there's that other thing that I forgot.

continued lagi...(separuh mampos aku menaip)

Interview with an asshole (like a thick yogurt)

Since watching RTM progams in the tube at night is listed as one of those things that can kill an adult malay male, I decided to do an interview. The problem is, I don't know any cool bands or individuals that can help me in accomplishing this task at this time. So i choose to do an interview with the person that I don't understand the most; myself...

So how do you describe yourself? 
Well, I'm funny, romantic, sexy, loveable and willing to love, cool, generous, rational, sensitive, like to be hugged, happy, tall, dark, handsome, smiley, helpful, a typical hardworker, intelligent, cute when I wake up in the morning, positive and the kinda guy a mother would trust their daughters to. Overall; I'm just a bastard.



Hehehe. Ok, here goes a good one; what's your hobby?
I'm currently serious into collecting small change.


Small change collector? That's a new one. How many 'small change' is in your keeping right now?
Technically alot but I used them all.

What?
Well, you know how it is. Destitute times calls for desperate measures. There are times when I nedd small change for the payphones and there's the late night snacks and all, you know...

Ok. Forget about it. Tell me what are you working on currently?
Currently I'm trying to make an abstract out of nose crap.

A what out of what?
It's a very tiring and nose-aching effort but it's fun and helps me breathe easier.

What kinda sick work is that? A picture made of boogers?
Actually, it's not a picture or some sort. I just put the craps randomly at first but since it starts to fill the spaces on my room's mirror, I figured why not call it an abstract art.
You put it on your mirror? Doesn't that sounds and look disgusting? Yuck!

That's the essence of it. The work is trying to reflect the hypocrisy of the society who say nose picking is disgusting in front of a public but they do it every morning in the toilet, trying to take their minds off the shit.

Yeah. But I still think it's gross. 
You wanna come over to my place and experience it? It's a work in progress and maybe you can chip in.
No I don't!
Yes you do.
No I don't!
Yes you do!
OK. No! I mean lets forget I asked that question. Let's get it on with the next one. What's your greatest achievement?

It's hard to point out the best since everything means something to me. Oh? I know! there was the time when I hadn't masturbate for 3 straight months, and for the first time in my fertile life, I managed to control myself and finished watching a hardcore porn movie from start to finish. ALONE! Not a single paus e. Not a single rub on the forehead. I felt the energy of being able to control my desire. It lasted for 2 hours and after that i had to jerk it off and the whole thing came out like a..

You know what?
What?
You are sick.
Tell me something I don't know. Anyway, the whole thing came out like a thick..

Forget it! Forget it!
Like a...

FORGET IT!!!
What was that thing again?

Stop it!
Haaaaaahhhh...

What? 
Like a thick yogurt ...

to be continued...